Absolution

Setting the house in order every evening in preparation for a hectic week was a routine we had established, Mike and I. This day was no different, even when he was no longer here. I’m lost in thoughts and this was one of my fears. He went away a few nights after packing everything he had in this our small apartment. I do not blame him- if I were him, I would also have moved out.

He had made his own life difficult for the last few months. What peeved me more was not that he did not know what I was feeling; it was that he did not want to know. He did not care. That was enough for me- it was all I needed to know.

The visit from one doctor to another had become the routine for a long while. This was about the 5th time we had to get medical consultation, after the others failed. All reports said that I did not have any problems but after spending all that money and taking all the suggestions, I still could not get pregnant. We gave the doctor our medical history and after studied them, he said the words we had become familiar with.

‘We have to get you tested’ He said directly to me and Mike gaze fell on me and it was clear that he was blaming me, again. He made as if to leave but the doctor declaration pinned him down.

‘You too, Michael,’

The tension in our house was too much for everything to go on as usual. He decided to sleep on the couch, and I got the bed. I wanted to start the conversation, but I already knew how it would go.

‘It is all your fault, Angela.” He would say and I would be silent, staring at him like a lost child.

“I should have listened to my mother and gotten married to one of those women who have my kids.

The first time he said this, a pain seared my insides. He had kids outside marriage. Has he been cheating on me? I cried like never before but after he used it a number of times, I became numb.
We went back to the doctor after two days of silence in the house.

The doctor, bespectacled with a booming voice, looked at me and at Mike.

‘The test results are not what I expected’ he said

I shot Mike a look but he kept straight at the doctor.

‘Out with it, Doctor Shah,’ He said impatiently.

“Mike, you are impotent. You cannot have children.’

A surprised sound escaped my lips. I did not know how to react.

Life is full of surprises. The truth was out after the mocking, the pain and shame, I was finally absolved.

I looked at Mike. His silence, his contorted and embarrassed face said it all. I wondered how he’ll explain this to his mother and what excuses his mistresses will tell him after he confronts them about his children’s paternity.

I know I have to give him space to come back to his senses- I do not know how long this will take but I’m willing to try.